I was talking with my sister, Kate, this afternoon, and she brought up how she has different relationships with my girls. She mentioned that she felt a deeper bond with Matilda - and she concluded that it was because she moved away almost a year ago, and hasn't been able to see the girls as often.

I thought about it, and I feel the same. Except I didn't move away. I remember so much from when Matilda was a baby - and when I think back to Audrey's first 12 months, I don't remember much. Is it because I'd been through it all already, and it wasn't as significant? Does any other mom of 2 or more feel the same? I love Audrey so much, but I just don't feel the same connection I have with Matilda. I'm sure I'm not supposed to have the same connection with both my daughters. . . But I almost feel guilty for not remembering or documenting special events - like when she took her first steps or got her first tooth. I did for Matilda, but maybe I then realized it wasn't so important. . . ?

When the seasons change, I tend to think back to what special days happen during that time and think of how the girls were the year before. Everything is a blur from last year. However, I do need to keep in mind that last year was a hard year for me and a total mess in our family. It is getting better though - I can at least handle some things now instead of losing my mind! I haven't scrap booked for almost a year as well. I'd like to get back into it, but I need some new supplies and to order photos, and right now, because I can't work, it looks like all that is going on my Christmas wish list. Soon though! Soon! The girls will be in school and I'll have time to do something to help earn some money. Right now though, I know where I need to be. Even if it does mean we're poor!

On another note - my back is miraculously feeling better. I was able to go shopping today with barely any pain. I felt so good I wanted to dance - but that would have been a bad idea, and I probably would have thrown something in my back out. We'll see how the next few days go!!

It has been a while since I have written. So much has happened!

I am very glad that Spring is here. The weather is wonderful and I'm getting ready to put in my garden. We get our plants from the local garden program this Friday. Without this program, we wouldn't have a garden, but for a few plants. They provide low income families with seeds and plants for a wonderful garden, with enough for storage! Last year I was able to store enough shredded zucchini to get me through two more years.... And so many radishes I didn't know what to do with them all.

For some reason though, it seems like it's going to be too much work to do it all this year. I don't know if it's because of the girls - a 3 year old and 1 1/2 year old are hard to keep track of in a yard without a fence on the corner of two main roads. Or if it's because of the back pain I've been having. Lately, in the evening, it takes all I have to walk up the stairs to go to bed. I'm not sure what's causing the pain, or why it's only there at night. I think I'm in denial about the pain - It's not that bad, right? I don't want to have surgery again, I don't want to never be able to carry my kids again, I don't want to end up not being able to walk. Maybe it's not that serious, but that's what I think about when I think about going to the doctor for the pain I'm experiencing.

Not to mention, the pain makes me a pretty grumpy person. I am not the easiest to get along with lately. Everyone seems to irritate me, and vice versa. Now that I'm taking a step back to look at all this, it seems like the inevitable is going to happen soon. The doctor's visit. I've been there before... Usually it's a slipped disc that I just need some pain killers and muscle relaxers for so it can slip on back... Or it's a strained muscle that needs to heal. Maybe this time it's a strained muscle that didn't heal that I need therapy for. I'd rather have therapy than have surgery, that's for sure! What I don't want to hear is "You need an MRI, because you might have a herniated disc."

That would make me cry.

And then the doctor would ask me why I'm crying, and I would tell him: There is so much I could have done to prevent this. I could have protected my back by losing weight, doing strengthening excersizes, going for walks more often. I could have prevented my family having to deal with all this, and not being able to lift my children into my arms. And what did I do? I did nothing, so that I didn't have to deal with it. And I ended up making it worse.

So now I need to get over myself, and deal with the problem! Because I can't lift my kids anyway without hurting myself, I can't stand for over 5 minutes without my leg going numb, and I can hardly make it up the stairs to bed at night. Crawling up the stairs is not my specialty. I'm sure people would pay to see that.

Sedar Meal

As the time comes for our annual Sedar Meal at our church, I am reminded of the Last Supper Jesus shared with his Apostles. I'm troubled this year at this time, because I'm unable to attend our Sedar Meal this year. I have always attended the Sedar Meal, but I am lacking a ride and child care in order to attend. In order to ease my troubles about this, I have found "Jesus Christ Superstar" to help, as well as the written word from the Bible, of course.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RRqwlZDvWw8

Virginia Vacation: Virginia Aquarium & Marine Science Center

The highlight of our vacation was the Virginia Aquarium & Marine Science Center. It was not only an awesome experience for the kids, but I actually enjoyed myself as well! You would think that taking a 16 month old there would end up in disaster, but she enjoyed everything just as much as our 3 year old.

My favorite part of the Aquarium is the turtles. It's set up so you can walk right up to the side of the aquarium and almost touch the turtles! There were three different types of turtles - leatherback turtles, sand turtles, and green sea turtles. The leatherback turtles (pictured above and to the right) were very friendly. The kids loved trying to touch the leatherback turtles. They would swim back and forth in front of everyone watching. It was almost like they were trying to get a good look at you!

Matilda's favorite part of the Aquarium was being able to pet sting rays. I was very hesitant about doing so, but I finally gave in the second time going by the exhibit. The kids absolutely loved petting the sting rays. They felt soft and not as slimey as you would imagine. The small brown rays would actually seek out your hand and nuzzle almost as if a puppy would. It was very amazing! Some of them would splash and the kids thought that was amazing. The larger ones were very pretty and had a pink/purple coloration, though it was very light. They had spines down their back, and would hide in the sand if they didn't want to be touched.

A lot of the exhibits were getting renovated, but there were also harbor seals, all kinds of sharks, quite a bit of fish, a very large lobster, and other science exhibits that even young kids could explore and learn from. We never did venture over to the marshes and wetlands building. We spent about 2 or 3 hours in the marine building alone! They also had a play area for kids somewhere near the IMAX and conference rooms. It had a coral tank in it that I couldn't keep my eyes off of! Everything was so beautiful in it. If it wasn't for my kids being unsupervised while I was gazing at that tank, I would have looked longer.

I absolutely enjoyed the time we spent at the Aquarium. If we ever venture down that way again, we'll definately stop back in!

Winter Retreat '09

Last year's CCYM Winter Retreat was the first I had ever attended. The event was amazing and drew me back into the world of United Methodism, teens, and connecting with other youth workers. This year's retreat was yet again, amazing. I watched many youth grow over this past weekend, come to realizations, affirm themselves and their belief in God and Jesus, and/or become a better person.

The teens weren't the only ones coming to realizations. Last year I went through a transformation at the Winter Retreat, to be followed by huge amounts of confusion at 4word '08 about what I should be doing with my life, since I feel like I'm seriously lacking in the God department. So far, the confusion has dwindled, but I still feel like I'm lacking. My realization this year, however was not one I was too fond of.

Over the last couple months, things in my home have come to the point of explosion. They had been building up over the past three or four years, slowly adding more to the bomb. Around Christmastime, it finally blew. I learned things I never knew about my husband, and despite embarassment on his part, felt that I should have seen these things, being his wife. I have been trying to rationalize something that isn't rational. I'm not in denial, I just wish it never had happened to my family. Mental illness has seemed to follow me around during my lifetime. And I have never thought that 25 years could feel so long, stressful, overwhelming, and tiring.

During the healing service at the Winter Retreat, the youth were asked to reach deep in their pocket and find a burden. This burden was symbolized by a rock that we were to proceed to throw into the lake and "release" this burden to God. I, of course, took these words to heart. Last year, it helped me a lot. This year, it has more or less disappointed me. I cried just as much as many of the youth, while I sat with my family group and was supposed to be THEIR support. It seemed to be the other way around!! I had let the 8 youth in my group know that they were able to leave (after we threw our burdens away) if they felt uncomfortable or just felt like it was time to go. Only one of the youth left at that point, trying to get one of her friends to go with her. Her friend didn't go, but when she left, her friend switched seats to sit with me. I guess it was one of those little God coincidences... Because my burden was feeling alone. And there she was, sitting with me, showing me I wasn't alone.

Although that helped me to realize I wasn't alone, it doesn't help the fact that I feel very alone. And even though she was there, even though God was there, even though others would walk by and rub my back or shoulders, I still felt, and still feel, alone. I didn't want to talk to anyone about it, either. I thought about it - the pastors were there to talk to. I also gave myself an excuse, telling myself that the pastors were there for the youth. I sat there a long time - after the youth were gone, after the lights were back on, after the candles were blown out. I had tears streaming down my face the entire time. I tried to pray, but couldn't think of anything good to say - because I think that this lonliness is my own fault.

But is it all my own fault? How could it be? I don't want to talk about it because I can't figure out how to deal with everything that has happened, is happening, or might happen. I tell people the facts about what is going on, but never talk about how I feel inside. I want support, someone to tell me it's okay, someone to agree with me to allow me to know that I AM NOT losing my mind, someone to help me see reality. I've asked for God's help in helping my husband, but I have yet to ask God to help myself.

I feel like I'm the only one in the world who has to deal with this.
I feel like I'm the only thing holding my family together.
I feel like I'm mediating between my husband and children constantly.
I feel like I'm tired, stressed, overwhelmed, and need a break.
I feel like I'm the only one who can fix things - and I'm doing an awful job.

I feel alone.

Out of Control

I never thought the words "Temper Tantrum" could be horrifying to me. Lately, they have been. My oldest has been having tantrums since she was one. They have gotten worse the past two years. Since Audrey was born, they seem to happen more frequently. I would have to say they are happening about 5 times a day now. I have read every article about temper tantrums, how to deal with your child, and what they're all about.

I've read things that say to let your child scream until they're finished, then talk about it. One article said that if your child is hurting him/herself or others to hold them until they're done. Another said temper tantrums are because toddlers are not in control of their lives and they need to be given some sort of control over things they are able to control (such as what color shirt to wear today). Some articles say to use time out. Some articles say to use love.

No matter how I deal with the situation, or how much control I allow her to have during the day, the temper tantrums are all related to her younger sibling. She takes toys away from her, makes her cry, pushes her, shoves her, or throws toys at her. When I or my husband step in to stop the abuse, Matilda will proceed to scream, kick, hit, yell mean things, or lay rigid on the floor and not allow anyone to pick her up. I, honestly, usually end up walking away with the baby in hand so that no one gets hurt until the next mishap. Not to mention, I truly cannot stand the shriek that Matilda lets out. My head is pounding just thinking about it. When the situation seems to be something other than sibling related, I usually talk to Matilda about things being scary and unable to control them. But the whole sibling issue has me stumped.

I try to read into situations. Maybe I read a little to far or think to deeply into these situations. I can't tell if Matilda is trying to protect her things from her sister, or if she really just doesn't like her sister playing with anything that looks like it could be fun. It always seems like whenever Audrey picks up a toy, a kitten, or a book, Matilda is on top of her, ripping it out of her hands, no matter what she was doing before. It really bothers me because there is no reason for her to be doing that to Audrey. Matilda has "her own" toys in another room of the house that she goes to and plays with when she wants to be alone from baby cries and other baby things. Lately, she doesn't go in that room, and has to be near Audrey at all times. I've worked with her on sharing, and not just taking things from others. It works with other people, but not with Audrey.

I feel like every day is a battle with her. I try not to yell all the time at her. But I do find that I am constantly telling her "No," or telling her what she should and shouldn't do. I find myself not complimenting her, or praising her. And that is something that I need to work on... No matter how stressful these situations make me!

Let's Start With an Intro

I haven't blogged in quite a while, and it's time I started again. So for those of you who don't know me all that well, here's an intro.

My name is Beth, and I'm 25 years old. I'm married to my husband, Tom. It's been almost 5 years... It will be in June. We have two beautiful daughters, Matilda, who just turned 3, and Audrey, who is 14 months old. I'm currently a stay-at-home mom, and I do a lot with my girls. I wish I could do more - chores are holding me back! I'm a volunteer Youth Group Advisor with the United Methodist church in my town. I also am a volunteer Advisor with the Conference Council on Youth Ministries for the United Methodist church's North Central New York Conference. I love working with teens and helping them learn about God. I also like to scrapbook, garden, travel, bake, and cook. I plan on going back to work when both of my children are in school. I also would like to go back to school for a few different things... When I choose, I'll let you know. I have a cat... She had babies... twice. So at the moment, I have four cats. We gave away most of the kittens, but we kept one from the first litter and have two from this past litter we still haven't found homes for. She's finally spayed, and the male kitten we kept is getting nuetered soon. I cannot stress how important it is to do that to your own pets!! My three year old still sleeps in our bed at night and I can't get her to change her mind. The baby has always slept in her own bed without a problem. In fact, she won't sleep anywhere else. But the three year old will not sleep on her own. I can't sleep well at night because of it - the girl is a bed-hog. I have a morning routine I follow each day that involves doing dishes, laundry, planning the days meals, and having my coffee. I fall apart each day I don't follow that routine. I am the most disorganized person you will ever meet, but I know where all of my disorganization is... So does that make me an organized disorganized person? I have a bad back from falling when I was a senior in High School. I had to have surgery to remove a herniated disk, but I still have one in my back. I strain my back and have disks slip easily because of this injury. My best friend is getting married this fall and she's asked me to be her maid of honor. I'm so excited! But I am feeling a bit of regret for telling her yes because I don't feel like I can do the best job as a maid of honor. But I will sure try. I keep finding new friends in places I never thought to find a friend. Most of my new friends are older than myself, and they are such wonderful people. I never thought I'd meet people I would consider mentors. I finally have.

There's a little random info about me. As you can tell, it's not organized at all - but one thought led to another. It will get better as I blog more, considering I haven't done it for a few years, and even then, I don't think it was that organized either.